Jesus Came Out, Too
Jesus Came Out, Too
National Coming Out Day Reflections
Jesus was a paradoxical human. On one hand, he was charismatic and personable. People came from all around to hear him teach. He challenged people regularly to examine their own beliefs
On the other hand, Jesus seemed to be closeted. He rarely –if ever– talked about himself as the Messiah. After most of the healing miracles he conducted, he told the recipients of the healing not to tell anyone that he was the one who healed them.
When I see those accounts of Jesus telling folks not to tell others who healed them, I can’t help but wonder if he was afraid. I wonder if he asked the questions innumerable queer folks ask themselves while they are in the closet: Will people treat me differently if they find out? How will this affect my career? Will I lose my job? Will my friends still love me?
Jesus was selective about who he revealed his true identity to. He revealed himself to a handful of his disciples when he transfigured on the mountain top and some of the folks he healed, but that’s it. While most of the world knew him as a teacher and a prophet, only a trusted few knew who he really was. He was selective about his “outness.”
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash
The majority of Bible scholars argue that when Jesus told those whom he healed not to tell others, he did so as an act of humility– that he didn’t want people to see him as arrogant. But I have a question: if that’s the case, then why do nearly all of those encounters include commentary stating that Jesus knew the Pharisees were nearby and he knew they were looking for a reason to arrest him? Additionally, there are times when Jesus heals crowds of people when there’s not a Pharisee in sight. It seems there were certain people Jesus wanted to make sure remained unaware of his identity.
This sounds incredibly similar to the experience of nearly every queer person I know. Many LGBTQ+ folks live life in what I call “limited outness”-- that is, they are open about their queerness with some people and/or in some contexts, but closeted in others. Nearly all queer folks start their journey to self acceptance in this way. They may be out at work, but not to their immediate relatives. They may be out to some friends, but not all. In cases where they tell only certain folks, those conversations usually end with the queer person saying something like, “I’m not out to [insert name here], so please don’t tell anyone.”
This reality has been true in my coming out experience as well. I was out to maybe five friends before I went on my first date with a woman. I experimented with my gender expression more at my secular office job than I did at church, seminary, or anywhere else. Thank goodness for “Tie Day Fridays,” which gave me a reason to buy my first neckties. For the first months I participated in Tie Day Friday, I took my tie off before going home.
Non-affirming individuals may say that this desire for secrecy is born out of shame– that the queer person “knows being gay is a sin” and they are embarrassed to be living a life of secret sin. While the evangelical church may have conditioned us to believe that about ourselves, I must whole-heartedly disagree. When we practice limited outness, we usually do so out of fear: fear of rejection from our immediate relatives; fear of getting fired. Queer youth do so out of fear of getting kicked out of their homes and living on the streets.
At the top of the list, though, queer people are afraid of getting hurt– or worse.
Masacres like the ones at the Pulse nightclub in 2016 or at Club Q in 2022 remind us that the places where we could be completely out are no longer safe. The increased militia presence of Proud Boys and other hate groups at drag shows and Pride celebrations confirm that public spaces aren’t necessarily safe for us.
Despite the evangelical church’s best efforts and inaccurate assumptions, we don’t stay in the closet out of shame. We stay out of self-preservation. We stay in the closet because we don’t want to die.
So when I see Jesus telling certain people not to tell who healed them because he knows a hostile presence is nearby, I understand that anxiety with a painful resonance.
The scriptures don’t explicitly state that he was afraid, but would it be too hard to picture his heart rate speeding up whenever the authorities saw him? For a lump to form in his throat whenever a local leader looked at him too long? Did he wonder if his ministry would get cut short if the wrong people found out his true self?
I eventually decided to accept my call to ministry as an extension of my full, authentic self. In my first pastorate, I served as an openly gay pastor and continue to pastor as an openly queer pastor. Even though there are significant risks to being visibly queer in a small college town and being one of only a handful fo queer clergy in the area, I’ve found a certain freedom in embracing how God wired me. The burden of hiding myself was not one I could continue to bear.
I wonder if that's why Jesus finally allowed himself to get caught. If he, too, got tired of hiding in plain sight, especially since he knew his personhood was ordained by God. Perhaps he felt it wasn’t worth it anymore, especially since the world benefited from him stepping into who God created him to be.
This National Coming Out Day, I pray that we can build a world where no one has to stay in the closet as an act of self-preservation. If that’s you, I see you. I’ve been there. Frankly, sometimes I wish I was still there (especially when folks give my beard a look of disgust, or call me “sir” then “ma’am” with a voice dripping with venom). I’m sorry the world’s not safe enough for us yet.
But I believe that we can make it better. One step at a time, I believe we can get there. Whether it’s following the footsteps of Jesus and healing people through our presence one person at a time, or wearing a tie one day at a time. The world needs us; the world needs you. I hope we can make it a place where you can shine as radiantly as the Transfigured Christ: completely yourself, leaving others awestruck. May it be so.