Have you ever found yourself in a season of life that’s uncertain? When you weren’t sure what next step was the best step to take? Whether it be in your career, with your family, or with your church, you just weren’t sure how to move forward?
Those moments in life can be scary, if for no other reason than feeling like we’ve suddenly lost our footing.
Perhaps that’s what makes conservative Christianity so attractive in this uncertain, broken world: there’s an answer for everything. Bad weather? Oh, that’s God punishing a town. The eclipse? God’s warning America about the end of the world (this time was a fluke, but the next one will be it for sure). Death of your parent? God just needed one more angel. Cancer diagnosis? Well, God’s ways are higher than our own (it’s a shit answer, but an answer nonetheless).
Who can we look to as an example of great faith amidst uncertainty? For me, I’m looking to Thomas.
I feel like Thomas gets a bad rap unnecessarily. He’s one of the least-mentioned disciples across the four gospels, but is widely known throughout the Church as “Doubting Thomas” (a nickname modern folks, not the writers of scripture, gave him). He’s called such because he didn’t believe the other disciples’ account of Jesus’ post-resurrection appearance; he needed to see Jesus for himself before he could believe.
Thomas doesn’t get mentioned much throughout the gospels. In Matthew, Mark, and Luke, he’s only mentioned once– in a list naming him among other disciples. In John, though, he comes up in two other places (John 11 and John 14:5) before his infamous scene after Jesus’ resurrection– and in those stories, he’s asking questions. In each story, Jesus welcomes the questions and answers them.
Through his questioning, Thomas is able to come to a realization that none of the other disciples vocalized. He’s the only disciple in the gospels to call Jesus God, which is what he calls Jesus after Jesus let him touch his scars (John 20:19-31). Thomas was the only disciple who understood who Jesus truly was, yet we have the audacity to call him a doubter.
Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash
If there’s anything that Thomas teaches us in the few times he’s mentioned, it’s that Jesus welcomes questions. For those of us who question, Jesus rewards us with deeper revelations about the divine. By revealing himself to Thomas so Thomas could investigate Jesus’ resurrection for himself, Jesus confirms that questioning is part and parcel to following him. While modern-day conservative Christianity condemns the practice of asking questions, the Jesus we see in scripture welcomes questions with open arms.
And let me tell you– queer people know how to question.
Questioning is at the core of what it means to be queer. Many of us have been told over and over again how we should experience reality, dismissing our concerns when their descriptions of “reality” don’t match our lived experience. When, as my students say, the “math ain’t mathing,” queer people don’t sluff it off; we investigate. We don’t settle for half-baked, convenient, illogical answers. Instead, we put on our detective hats and get to work.
When others told us “what the Bible clearly said” about us, we did our own exhaustive exploration and discovered those folks were wrong (seriously, most queer Christians I know have a better understanding of the Bible than every conservative pastor I’ve heard preach). As a result, the faith of a queer person runs deep indeed.
When others told us that gender only exists on a binary, we questioned it based on our lived experience. We rediscovered historical accounts from cultures all over the world that affirmed the existence of as many as five genders. We also found the accounts of European colonials’ attempts to destroy that gender diversity and the records of its existence.
When society pressured us to keep our nuclear family relationships closest, we questioned the validity of keeping someone close just because they’re related by blood. We explored what it means to create a family based on shared values and prioritizing one another’s health and safety. As a result, we discovered not that “blood is thicker than water” but what that misused quote actually means: “the blood of battle is thicker than the water of the womb.” That is, the people who fight alongside you throughout the trials of life are closer to you than your relations.
To queer social norms is to question them thoroughly. After rigorous questioning, our discoveries implored us to build something better.
Perhaps I like Thomas so much because I (a queer person) see myself in him. I see someone who loves Jesus a lot, but doesn’t want to follow blindly. I see someone who has a natural curiosity about the intersection of spirituality and reality. I see someone who isn’t satisfied with the definitions of Jesus that other people give him.
Ultimately, I see someone who wants to experience Jesus for himself and is willing to question anything that doesn’t measure up to what Jesus taught. That’s the kind of faith I can get on board with.
How about you? Are you willing to search for the faith Thomas had? If that sounds intimidating, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why.
Doubt isn’t the antithesis of faith, but what fuels it. Don’t be afraid to add fuel to the fire of your faith; I believe God will bless it.